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逻辑,是思维能力的体现,所谓翻译中的思维能力,即既能瞻前顾后,又能左顾右盼。上文既然讲到了invitation-only membership,这就自然而然地引起parents’ status concerns,根据逻辑推理,这里的所谓status concerns,自然是社会身份,或曰社会地位的关注和考虑。原译将status译成“处境”,偏离了本意。
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原译之“很明显,要尽早开社会这门课”译笔突兀,若能“瞻前”,对此句便能有所增译。
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While many adult members of the clubs extol their convenience and the community they find there, some worry about the message it sends. “I’m against the whole concept,” said Renée Rockefeller, a 36-year-old mother of four who took her 2-year-old son, Teddy, to Kidville. After a few classes, she pulled him out. “It’s too urban, over the top,” Mrs. Rockefeller said. “It’s hard sitting at the table and keeping kids quiet because it requires effort on the part of the parents, but that’s your job. No one said it was going to be easy.”
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【原译】一些成人会员赞美他们的便利以及他们在那里发现的社区,而另一些则担心它潜在的寓意。“我反对这整个主意,”芮娜·洛克菲勒,一个有四个孩子的母亲,带着她两岁的儿子,特迪,到“儿童城镇”去。几节课后,她就把他给弄出来了。“这太城市化了,太过分了,”洛克菲勒夫人说道。“让孩子安安静静坐在桌子前很难,因为这需要家长的配合,但是这些却是你们的工作。没人说过这将会容易。”
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【改译】尽管许多家长对此类会所带来的便利和会所里的小圈子赞不绝口,但是,还是有一些人担心它传递的讯息。“整个观念都不行”,36岁的瑞内·洛克菲勒说,她是四个孩子的母亲。她带着两岁的儿子泰迪去过“娃娃城”,上了几节课后,她就让儿子退出了。“这太都市化,过头了。”洛克菲勒太太说道,“要端坐桌前,又要让孩子安静,非常不易,因为需要家长尽力,但这是你们为人父母者的事啊,没人说哄孩子容易。”
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英语多用代词,而汉语则喜用名词。
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英语系逻辑语言,读者惯于通过英语行文的形形色色的逻辑信息轻易判断代词之所代。汉语,就不一样了。比如原译中的“但是这些却是你们的工作”和“没人说过这将会容易”便出现了两个代词——“你们”、“这”,这两个代词究竟代什么,读者有点不甚了了。而逻辑告诉我们,洛克菲勒太太从根本上否定了儿童会所,据此,your job,应指“你们这些为人父母者的工作”;it was going to be easy中的it 应指“带小孩”这件事情。对此,汉译当明言,化隐为显——但这是你们为人父母者的事啊,没人说哄孩子容易。
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Pilar Guzmán, Cookie’s 35-year-old editor in chief, compares the new clubs to day care options available in many European countries for free. “If you can get around the elitism and the fact that they cater to a certain kind of woman, kids’ clubs reinforce the idea that pampering yourself and being a good parent are not mutually exclusive,” she said. “Whatever criticism these clubs are getting, the basic philosophical kernel shouldn’t be criticized.”
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【原译】比拉·吉子芒,Cookie35岁的主编,把新的俱乐部比作是许多欧洲国家免费享受的日托选择。“倘若把这其中的优越性以及这些俱乐部迎合一定群体的妇女的事实传播出去,那么,儿童俱乐部所强调的‘放纵’自己与当好家长的观点就不是互相排斥的,”她说。“无论这些俱乐部背负着怎样的批评,其基本的哲学内核是不该受到批评。”
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【改译】比拉·古芒,Cookie杂志35岁的主编比较了这些新潮的会所和在欧洲很多国家免费开放的日托设施。“如果你能撇开会所带来的高人一等的优越感及会所迎合某一类女性这一事实,那么儿童会所的确彰显了善待自己和善待孩子之间并不相斥的理念,”她说道。“不管对这种会所有何种批评,其核心理念是无可厚非的。”
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逻辑思辨,能化难句为易句。上句的If you can get around the elitism and the fact that they cater to a certain kind of woman就是一个例证。其中的动词短语get around之本义为:到处走动,传播出去。因此原译,便依样画葫芦,译成了“倘若把这其中的优越性以及这些俱乐部迎合一定群体的妇女的事实传播出去”。如此译文,匪夷所思也。
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从逻辑视角看,问题就简化了。原句中的这个if,即重要逻辑标记,提出一个逻辑假设:如果你能够……,那么,儿童会所就……。如此逻辑安排,暗示译者:动词短语get around之宾语,其内容一定带有负面含义,而这个负面含义不言而喻,其核心词是elitism+the fact that they cater to a certain kind of woman,接着,译者便可非常从容地来猜测动词短语get around的含义,作者用其转义,即“绕过,避开”。
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3 审美意识主宰译文质量
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Glories of the Storm
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辉煌壮丽的暴风雨
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It begins when a feeling of stillness creeps into my consciousness. Everything has suddenly gone quiet. Birds do not chirp. Leaves do not rustle. Insects do not sing.
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【原译】起初,有一种平静的感觉悄然袭上我的心头。刹那间,万物都沉寂无声。鸟儿不再啁啾,树叶不再沙沙婆娑,昆虫也停止了欢唱。
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【改译】起初,有一种平静的感觉悄然爬上我的心头。世间万物,顿时沉寂。鸟儿不再啁啾,树叶不再婆娑,昆虫不再吟唱。
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开头一段,不见英语短文常见的主题句(topic sentence),而是直奔主题,写暴风雨到来之前大自然的片刻宁静。三个平行结构(Parallelism)写得漂亮极了,渲染了短暂的万籁俱寂的气氛。令人扼腕的是,原译对Parallelism之整饬美认识不足!既然用了两个“不再”,为什么“不再”到底呢?
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The air that has been hot all day becomes heavy. It hangs over the trees, presses the heads of the flowers to the ground, sits on my shoulders. With a vague feeling of uneasiness I move to the window. There, in the west, lies the answer—cloud has piled on cloud to form a ridge of mammoth white towers, rearing against blue sky.
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【原译】整日闷热的空气变得格外呆滞,它笼罩着树木,逼得花朵垂向地面,也压得我肩头沉甸甸的。我怀着隐隐的烦躁不安,信步走到窗边。原来答案就在西边天际,云层重重叠叠,就像一排嵯峨的白塔,高耸在蓝天之上。
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【改译】整日灼热的空气变得格外沉闷,它笼罩树木,逼迫花朵垂向地面,并坐压在我的双肩。怀着茫然的不安,我信步走到窗前。原来,答案就在西边天际:云层重重叠叠,就像一排嵯峨的白塔,高耸在蓝天之上。
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使用Parallelism是原文作者的强项,如:It hangs over the trees, presses the heads of the flowers to the ground, sits on my shoulders. 尤其是其中的sits on,真可玩味再三。There, in the west, lies the answer系倒装句,倒装得很洒脱。试想,若不用倒装句式,那将是The answer lies there, in the west。滋味何在?紧接着answer出现了一个破折号,来细释这个answer。
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行文流畅,发端于倒装!
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原译不错,但存不修边幅处,既然以“它笼罩着树木”开句,后面的措辞就当考虑形式之整饬,向Parallelism靠拢。
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