1705051922
原文写得抑扬顿挫,节奏鲜明。从开始的“万籁俱寂”到此刻的“风雨大作”!动词accelerates用得好,连词until用得更好,文势得以贯通。army, stabs, exclamation point等比喻的运用,更令行文“锦上添花”。
1705051923
1705051924
此段故意以短句(The storm is here)收尾,嘎然打住,余音却袅袅不去。
1705051925
1705051926
译文也很精彩,几乎无懈可击。但是,细读细比,不难发现,改译所以略胜原译,是因为改译善于断句,令表达音律铿锵,节奏明快。试比较:
1705051927
1705051928
零星雨滴也汇集成了一支行进在田野和屋顶的大军→零星的雨点,渐渐汇成一支大军,铺天盖地,扑向田野屋顶。
1705051929
1705051930
这时,第一道刺向大地的闪电像老天划的惊叹号→此刻,一道闪电直刺大地——苍天划出惊叹号。
1705051931
1705051932
In spite of myself, I jump at the following crack of thunder. It rattles the windowpane and sends the dog scratching to get under the bed. The next bolt is even closer. It raises the hair on the back of my neck, and I take an involuntary step away from the window.
1705051933
1705051934
【原译】随即响起了一声霹雳,我不禁跳了起来,雷声震得窗户格格作响,吓得狗儿三抓两爬钻到床底下。第二道闪电离得更近。我惊得寒毛倒竖,不由得从窗边后退一步。
1705051935
1705051936
【改译】随即响起了一声霹雳,我身不由己地跳了起来,雷声震得窗玻璃格格作响,连狗都吓得三抓两爬地钻入床底。又是一闪,更近了。惊得我寒毛倒竖,不由得从窗边后退一步。
1705051937
1705051938
作者非常聪明地通过写人(“我”)的反应,写活了暴风雨的威力。除了“我”,作者没有忘记把“狗”也给捎上!本段动词(jump, rattles, raises)的使用平添了行文的文采。
1705051939
1705051940
原译也同样精彩。但是,译笔还可以更洒脱些。改译在断句上更胜一筹。
1705051941
1705051942
The rain now becomes a torrent, flung capriciously by a rising wind. Together they batter the trees and level the grasses. Water streams off roofs and out of rain spouts. It pounds against the window in such a steady wash that I am sightless. There is only water. How can so much fall so fast? How could the clouds have supported this vast weight? How can the earth endure beneath it?
1705051943
1705051944
【原译】这时,雨下得简直是倾盆如注,狂风吹得雨水飘摇不定。风雨交加,恣意地抽打树木,夷平草地。雨水从屋顶奔流而下,漫出了排水管,不停地泼洒在窗户上,使我什么也看不清楚。眼前只有水。这么多雨水,怎么能下得这么急?云层怎么能承受得住这么巨大的重量?大地怎么能经受得起这样的冲击?
1705051945
1705051946
【改译】暴雨倾盆而下,狂风助长雨势,雨柱飘忽不定。风雨交加,恣意猛击树木,淹没草地。雨水从屋顶,从排水管奔流而下,如同瀑布,不停地瓢泼重击在窗户上,使我什么也看不清楚。眼前只有水。怎么有这么多雨水,怎么下得这么急?云层怎么能承载如此巨大的“水库”?大地又如何承受得了?
1705051947
1705051948
原句表述精彩!驰骋的想象更让人喝彩:How could the clouds have supported this vast weight?读者朋友,面对倾盆大雨,你曾向苍天发此感叹否?
1705051949
1705051950
原译老老实实做了直译(“云层怎么能承受得住这么巨大的重量?”),改译略作引申,译成了“云层怎么能承载如此巨大的‘水库’?”,堪称妙译,所谓灵感译文也!
1705051951
1705051952
此外,作者使用的动词是经过精心挑选的,如flung, batter, level, streams, pounds等。而副词capriciously则更为行文着上鲜明的拟人色彩。
1705051953
1705051954
原句里的level用作动词,原译将它译成了“夷平”,似乎过分,Webster’s New World Dictionary对level提供的释义之一是:to equalize in height。
1705051955
1705051956
Pacing through the house from window to window, I am moved to open-mouthed wonder. Look how the lilac bends under the assault, how the day lilies are flattened, how the hillside steps are a new-made waterfall! Now hailstones thump upon the roof. They bounce white against the grass and splash into the puddles. I think of the vegetable garden, the fruit trees, the crops in the fields; but, thankfully, the hailstones are not enough in numbers or size to do real damage. Not this time.
1705051957
1705051958
【原译】我在房里踱来踱去,从一个窗口走到另一个窗口,室外的景色使我瞠目结舌,惊叹不已。瞧,在暴风雨的袭击下,丁香折弯了腰,萱草倒伏在地,山坡上的石级小道变成了一帘新辟的瀑布!这时,突然下起冰雹,乒乒乓乓地砸在屋顶上,顷刻间草地上银珠纷飞,水洼里水花四溅。我开始担心园里的蔬菜、果树,还有田里的庄稼;不过,谢天谢地,冰雹个头不大,数量也不多,还不足以造成什么实际损失。至少这次是不会了。
1705051959
1705051960
【改译】我在房里踱来踱去,从一个窗口走到另一个窗口。窗外景象使我目瞪口呆。瞧,在暴风雨的袭击下,丁香折弯了腰,萱草倒伏在地,山坡上的石阶小径挂上了一帘瀑布!此刻,突然下起冰雹,乒乒乓乓,乒乒乓乓,乱砸屋顶。顷刻间,草地上银珠乱蹦,水洼里水花四溅。我想到了园里的蔬菜、果树,还有田里的庄稼;不过,谢天谢地,冰雹个头不算太大,数量也不算太多,还造不成什么实际损失,至少,这次不会了。
1705051961
1705051962
曲曲折折,曲径通幽,乃美文的一道常见风景。平行结构之后(三个how构成),作者笔锋陡转,写到了冰雹!而且是从屋顶写起(Now hailstones thump upon the roof),自然、真实、有序!
1705051963
1705051964
Now hailstones thump upon the roof一句只含一个拟声词(thump),因此,原译就束手束脚地译成了“突然下起冰雹,乒乒乓乓地砸在屋顶上”,汉语的叠音词是一强项,何不叠用这个叠音词而译成“此刻,突然下起冰雹,乒乒乓乓,乒乒乓乓,乱砸屋顶”呢?
1705051965
1705051966
改译洒脱,将how the hillside steps are a new-made waterfall译成了“山坡上的石阶小径挂上了一帘瀑布”。一个“挂”字,借自李白的《望庐山瀑布》,自然增加了译文之遣词的联想色彩。
1705051967
1705051968
英汉各有长处。以They bounce white against the grass and splash into the puddles一句为例,汉译的意境之美,为英语原句不可比也。
1705051969
1705051970
For this storm is already beginning to pass. The tension is released from the atmosphere, the curtains of rain let in more light. The storm has spent most of its energy, and what is left will be expended on the countryside to the east.
1705051971
[
上一页 ]
[ :1.705051922e+09 ]
[
下一页 ]